it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
🤔😂😂
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat