it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*