It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
You Might Also Like
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me too, bag. Me too….
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?