it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
How times have changed.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*