@preawsaurus: it's always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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@stevevsninjas: HER: You didn't make a reservation? ME: I got this. (to Maître D') Perhaps *this* will jog your memory? M: A handful of Skittles, sir?
@squirrel74wkgn: If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
@GrandadJFreeman: That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.