it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥