It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”