@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.
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@Coops_Bradley: Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
@heatherlou_: Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
@TheMichaelRock: My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.