@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.
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@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
@Carbosly: You say "save the date", I hear "more time to come up with an excuse of why I'm not going."
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Are those Chinos? Me: No. These are my pants. Coworker... Me: Who steals pants?
@Love_bug1016: Him: you watch too much Food Network Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote Him: its toast and jelly