It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Blew my mind.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside