It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Lucky old June.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Coffee is ready.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
who named him groot and not spruce lee