“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”