It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
#FunnyLife Insects
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
This 4th of July, please remember…
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.