It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given