It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
True freaking story!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.