It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
all bases covered
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine