It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.