me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper