It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
You Might Also Like
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.