It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
He’s cranky this morning
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.