@pplwtching: It's amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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@dorsalstream: ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
@thenatewolf: I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"
@NicestHippo: People already feel judged in public but what if they also had the same awful feeling in private? GUY WHO INVENTED RELIGION: I have an idea
@DaveAmiott: Author: So, I've got this children's book. It's about a hungry caterpillar. Agent: Pass Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar. Agent: Go on...