It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”