@SteveSuckington: It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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@OtherDanOBrien: [police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.
@mllebeckyrose: I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
@HeyZeus666: Anyone who doesn't believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.
@Reverend_Scott: Carl: So hot today. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs. Me: Fair enough.