It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.