@SteveSuckington: It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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@thatdutchperson: [making flamingos] God: bird. Adam: got it. G: but it stand still a lot. A: ok.. G: on one leg. A: how high are you? G: make it pink.
@hardlyrelevant: Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
@SteveSuckington: Therapist: what's your biggest issue with your husband? Wife: he gives me no privacy Me: [tapping on window from outside] that's not true
@laurajennyjo: I'm gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit