It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.