It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
#Caturday
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity