It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]