It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Does this dress make me look cat?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.