they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
The pen is writier than the sword.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever