It’s an epidemic…
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
english majors be like furthermore
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.