@ChambersFineArt: It's an epidemic...
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@shariv67: I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.
@H0TMessBarbie: I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty.
@SatansTongue: 6th grade nurse: do you play baseball Me: uhh why Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than- Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Can I have a gin and tonic? Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party. Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?