It’s an epidemic…
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?