It’s an epidemic…
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I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
This one’s “Alex”.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip