@AnniemuMary: It's an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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@citizenkawala: When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
@illTortuga: I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven't eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
@E_lok44: Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there? Him: Windows phone Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
@JohnLyonTweets: The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.