It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
☺️
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]