It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting