My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
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In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I saw nothing
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight