It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
whenever i wake up before my alarm
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”