Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
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*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.