It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Isn’t
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now