All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
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woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Mad Max: Furry Road
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.