Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”