It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Jail
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead