It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.