Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
You are what you delete.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Every. Damn. Time.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*