Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
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@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Saturday
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Goat cheese is for herders.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Velcrow
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before