@ramjitsingh_: It's bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, "Stay in drugs, don't do school" in a serious tone.
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@david8hughes: [turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
@ItsLaTourette: It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
@hollywoodsigh: I'm at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it's cold.
@bourgeoisalien: [robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going