@_tomcrowley: it's been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can't get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
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@lemmywinkler: The "oops, wrong hole" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend.
@onion_an: [last day at job] "You've made my life a misery, I hate you all" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] "Not you tho Phil"
@truegritrumble: COWORKER: I'm going to my friend's lake house this weekend for a party. ME: *lying* I also have friends.