@MandiAtRandom: It's been 5 years now. I'm afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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@AmishPornStar1: Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?! Me: It was getting freezer-burned. W: I just bought it today! Me: Crazy freezer.
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Not all heroes eat crepes. HIM: It's "Not all heroes wear capes." ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes? HIM: ME: Then shut up.
@robyn_vo: I can't believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.