@MandiAtRandom: It's been 5 years now. I'm afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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@WhatevaConc: Before saying anything like "you have really soft hands for a man", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man.
@TheBoydP: My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
@jujuhounds: Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say 'beautiful' instead. Me: Ok. Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
@JustDontBugMe: Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!? *5mins later* Me: I need a new room.