It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.