It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.