‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Wait for it
two people or more is called a problem
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.