It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up