It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….