@daemonic3: [at zoo] Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@birbigs: if aliens show up and they're nice, we'll take them captive. and if they're mean, they'll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@littlelady899: "Why are the good ones always taken?" - Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray

@WilliamAder: Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she "forgot" her wallet.

@jrza84: Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat