@TitansHomer: How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black. *drops mic, gets beat by security*

@FrazzleMyGimp: [Wendy’s Job Interview] INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering. ME: Sir please get back in your car. INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

@KKAlThani: Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying "Not looking good today" after deleting the first 50 pictures she took

@slaughthie: Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."

@oxygenplug: if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it's really easy