A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this