@Shock_Monster: It's been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: "Just be myself."
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@Awesome_Todd: Never run with scissors. Unless... • You stole them • You're running a 400 meter scissor relay • You're being chased by giant paper dolls
@dorsalstream: ADAM: Let's take turns naming animals. EVE: Ok. Lion. A: Um, sea lion. E: Horse. A: Uh, seahorse E: Cow. A: Sea cow. E: Idiot. A: Sea idiot!
@AddTequila: Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
@thepunningman: Dr "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Patient "Good" Dr "You have 6 months to live" P "What's the bad news!?" Dr "...in dog years"