I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?