@BallsMcBallski: It's been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.
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@Cuntypants: Sorry I yelled "SURPRISE!" when you caught me in bed with your husband. I was unaware that you don't like surprises.
@TheWadest: *requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: "Where to?" Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."
@TheToddWilliams: [restaurant] ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans