My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*frowns in Scottish*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
prepare for carbonated trouble
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!