It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.