“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars