I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.