It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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a rare painting of a porcu’melon
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Those are good neighbors.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …